EATRITE - 4f - Loss and Grieving

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We have all been through one trauma or another .

It may not appear to show on the outside of some people...
but the sentence above IS true.

Trauma is about loss.
Any loss causes sadness and grief:
loss of a loved one,
loss of a job,
an ailing or broken relationship,
loss of health or wealth,
loss of trust... etc.

There are certain stages that we NEED to go through (and not be stuck IN) before we can find our mental and spiritual healing on the other side of our periodic traumatic events.

Shock and/or Denial (Numbness)

This stage is immediately after the life-changing event – the loss.
“I don’t believe it!”
“This couldn’t have happened!”
“This is no big deal…”
“No big deal... I’ll get over this easily…”
God has given us this protective defense mechanism essential to human survival. This enables us to live through our disasters and times of devastation.

This period is usually brief (up to about 12 weeks) and allows the person to progress though the initial, difficult and urgent stage of healing.

*The majority of food-addicted people have been frozen in shock and denial for years. Emotionally they have denied their feelings and physically they have tranquillized their feelings with food, just as a drug-dependent person would have done with drugs.

*If you have been frozen in shock and denial for many years, it may take some time to thaw out these feelings.

*It is therefore imperative that you keep going over the relationship survey (2a - Exploration and Discovery), saying your "goodbyes" and keeping track of your feelings in your journal daily. Give yourself time to discover, and experience, what you haven’t been able to allow yourself to be aware that you were/are feeling.

*To get past the shock and denial stage you need to make a list of all the losses your addiction has cost you. As you write, don’t stop yourself at any point. Allow the memories to flow. Think about the various aspects of your life – social, physical, spiritual and emotional in which you have experienced losses related to your weight.

Anger

Once you have done lots of working through the shock and denial process, you will likely feel your anger welling up. Nearly every compulsive eater is angry either at themselves or others - or both.

There are three major forms of anger:

Anger directed outward: Conventional anger, which leads to a person shaking fists at God or someone/something else. We call this "acting out".

Anger directed inward: towards self, often manifesting in "depression".

Anger which is projected: Their anger towards themselves and their addiction is projected onto those around them. They see anger in others which they can’t see/allow themselves to see in themselves.

Angry people deny that the real problem is discontent caused by low self-esteem.
Angry people feel angry and ashamed because of their helplessness and weakness to overcome their addiction.

There is also legitimate anger.
Anger is a normal, healthy reaction to certain circumstances and relationships.
Some people may express their anger through eating, if they don’t know how to express it in a healthy way.

Anger inside of you must come out!
The healthiest way to externalize your anger is the verbal way – spoken or written.
Role-playing is another way to get your anger out – in this there is more freedom to express strong emotions.
Sometimes your anger may need to be expressed physically. Dance, work, exercise.
If you suffer anger directed inwards, you could externalize it by talking to yourself in a mirror.

Go easy on you – you are wonderful and fearfully made.

Expressing your feelings in your journal is a good way of sorting them out.
Anger is emotionally consuming - confine it to certain "expression times".

Bargaining

After the anger one usually experiences a let-down – a feeling of being totally emotionally drained - exhausted.
In the calm after the storm it is normal for people to start bargaining about the situation.
They might try to bargain with God. “Just help me (lose weight) and I’ll…”
Food addicts will often bargain by finding a ‘magic diet’ which leads to the yo-yo dieting cycle being continued again.

When you find yourself at this stage, take comfort – you are making progress.

The truth is:
You won’t be more loveable when you get thin enough.
The truth is:
Your self-worth is not founded on anything conditional.

Your worth as a human being must be founded on this truth –
You are loveable because you are a child of God, unique and created in His image, saved by His grace which is freely given to you in love.

In this truth about yourself, find the courage to move ahead into the next stage of True Grief.

True Grief/Depression

Weeping is the most honest expression of True Grief.
Tears bring cleansing as if the emotional wounds are being physically washed.

Males cry too: “Jesus wept”.

Males and females whose tears have been kept in check for years are as God created them – their legitimate tears are waiting to do their healing work. Let them flow.

One must feel fully the grief over the "hold" of the food addiction itself.

There are the other losses we all experience: relationships, innocence, experiences, career - and other advances - that passed you by etc.

True Grief may come in small pockets of isolated mourning.
True Grief may come in overwhelming floods.

Grieving must be done over and over in our lives: we experience losses over and over.
Peel back the layers of your grief, your anger, your depression and sadness.
Feel your True Grief regularly during your life.

Acceptance, Forgiveness and Resolution = PEACE

The ultimate goal of your grief work is this three faceted, precious gem of PEACE.

Acceptance can be an act of your will.

From such a decision, you work to achieve true emotional and spiritual forgiveness.

Resolution is an inner knowledge.
"This Focus Issue is laid to rest by me."
"This is laid at the feet of my Saviour. "

PEACE is yours.

Acceptance:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” – The Serenity Prayer

One must choose to accept the past-ness of the past events and actions of one’s life. They cannot be changed, denied or minimized.

Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.
You and I can only make changes in the present once the stark reality of the past is accepted.

Forgiveness:
We Christians believe it is our duty to forgive and so the work of forgiveness may not be thoroughly done.

Intellectual and Spiritual forgiveness is important, but all the stages of forgiveness need to be worked through until eventually Emotional forgiveness settles peacefully in upon us in the depths of our body, mind and spirit.

Active forgiveness: Forgive yourself. Forgive others.
Receptive forgiveness: Accept forgiveness from others whom we have/do injure. Accept forgiveness from God.

Resolution: "This is finished!" maybe until next time it wells up?
Then remind yourself "THIS is FINISHED..."

Homework - 4f:

Whom are all the people I need to forgive for hurting me?
Name them, and nature of hurt.
(Whether they have changed their behaviour yet or not, I choose to forgive them)

In what ways do I need to forgive myself?
Be specific.
(I choose to leave being my own worst enemy and become my own best friend)

From whom do I still need to go and seek forgiveness?
Name the people.
How?
When?
(I realize that they might not be able to forgive me yet – However... I can do my part humbly)

Psalm 103:3 David says God is a forgiving God…
In what ways do I feel the forgiveness and mercy of God in my life?

In the sight of God, no-one is less loveable than any other.
No-one is any harder for God to forgive than anyone else.
He knows how to forgive us all.
We can learn to forgive as He forgives.

Walking His way, kneeling at His feet, and doing His works – these are the only places where we all can feel His “Peace that passes all understanding.”

Resolution is the opposite of resentment.
Resentment is unresolved anger that continues to boil away inside, creating increasing pressure within until it erupts.
Resolution is a sense of health, cleanliness and peace that comes from knowing this issue has been put to rest – at least by me.

To reach this point takes time.
Be prepared for up to two to five years - or more - of patient, deliberate, hopeful, physical, mental and spiritual healing work.

"This problem is resolved, inasmuch as I am able to process it now… Other dimensions of this problem may still come... I will process them then if they do"

Other problems will come in my life - that is what growth is all about – they always do… I am getting better at solving problems."

"In this matter I can walk in humility and confidence, with freed energy..."

"I have increased experience, skill and hope in this type of life-changing event…"

"I can proceed from here, onward into my 'custom-designed-by God' future…"

Thanks: Leslie Hand