EATRITE - Abuse, Co-dependency, Health - 2c

Module 2c

Some types of Abuse:

Active: Violent, easy to identify. Includes sexual abuse.

Passive: Acts of omission usually. There is an ‘atmosphere’ of neglect. Includes verbal abuse.
Absence of affirmation and praise. Lack of love and affection between parents.

‘Isms: Alcoholism, workaholism, perfectionism. All “consuming” behavior that results in lacks of time, affection and attention for the child.

Abandonment: Divorce, death, ‘absent’ parent although physically present – distracted, worried.

The result of these lacks of TIME, ATTENTION, AFFECTION is likely to be co-dependancy:

Co-dependency is a fallacy of trying to control interior empty, frightened, sad or frustrated feelings by… trying to control people, things and events on the outside.

Co-dependents may be addicted to another person. They become so enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self (personal identity) is severely restricted, crowded out by the other person’s identity, wants and problems. Co-dependents struggle relentlessly to fill great emotional voids within themselves with people, things and events outside of them.

If you are co-dependent you are vulnerable. YOU need to grow and learn and change:

1 To improve your own life: make it more manageable and healthily self-governed.

2 For the benefit of your spouse and children. The effects of co-dependency are contaminating, self-defeating and multi-generational.

3 For the benefit of others around you. They need to learn to govern themselves.

Traits of a co-dependent:

· Driven by one or more compulsions - Overcontrolled, Undercontrolled
· Bound, tormented by things in their dysfunctional family of origin - Stuck
· Self-esteem, and maturity, is low – Underdeveloped
· Inordinately responsible for self and/or others - Responsible
· Certain your happiness hinges on others - Dependent
· Lack of balance between mature dependence and independence - Unstable
· Master of denial. Master of repression – Push away, Push down
· Worries about things that he/she cannot change – Worried
· Tries to change what cannot be changed by them – Energy squandered
· Life punctuated by extremes - Extreme
· Constantly looking for ‘something missing/lacking’ in their life – Searching

TIME WILL NOT HEAL CO-DEPENDENCY. Time will make it worse.
Happiness and contentment will fade even further although outward circumstances may improve.
Co-dependency can lead to depression, anger, danger to others, deteriorating physical, mental and spiritual health, addiction, death.

ONLY YOU CAN TAKE YOUR STEPS TO HEALING.
Desire is the first step.
Understanding and a Vision is the second step.
A Plan is the third step.
Perpetual Self Discipline will follow.

Towards Understanding:

A CO-DEPENDENT FAMILY: There are degrees from ‘mild’ to ‘seriously’

1 One or both parents mentally unstable, not available to children
2 Not able to cope with life and living
3 Spouse pre-occupied with other ‘ill’ spouse
4 Addictions: work, substances, behaviours, compulsions
5 EVERYTHING (except denied issues) is a big deal: molehills > mountains
6 Parents lean on their children for nurturance, ego-boosting, advice, help
7 Parents with poor self-image (worse or better than they really are)
8 Extreme relationship with God: Either none, or rigid and adamant
9 Children required to follow the ‘way’ chosen for them by parents
10 Divorce, separation, fighting, bitterness, hostility in family


Towards Vision:

A MENTALLY HEALTHY FAMILY: There are degrees from ‘mild’ to ‘seriously’

Some documented criteria:

1 Sane balanced parents: no set-in depression, extreme frustration
2 Non-addicted parents: people, substances, behaviours (eating, spending etc)
3 Mature parents: able to deal with life (earn, house, feed, care for)
4 Parents with comfortable, positive, realistic self-image
5 Parents who relate appropriately to God who is central to family structure
6 Parents committed to, and working on, a happy peaceful marriage
7 Go on to teach their children by word and by deed how to do the above


Whatever was wrong in your childhood, God knew about it before He sent you there. He has a plan. He loves you. Healing is possible. Co-operate and participate in your healing.
Be aware of the past and present sly, subtle inner and outer voices fighting you all the way.
Deal with the truth of your past. Deal skilfully with it when it rears again in your future.
Move forward to increasing personal and family health.

A Successful Recovery Includes these Processes:

1 Exploration and Discovery: find out the truth about your past and your present
2 History and Inventory: Examine and identify boundaries, or lack of. Set realistically
3 Addiction Control: Identify your addictions/compulsions. Move towards mastery
4 “Good-bye” to Your Past: You may think you did… check whether you really did
5 Grieve what could not be: Feel your great life-altering losses
6 New Self-Perceptions: See you as you really are – a survivor, a valiant spirit
7 New Experiences: Create new, healthier personal and family experiences
8 Re-Parenting: Be the good, mentally healthy parent to yourself that you didn’t have
9 Accountability: Establish healthy ways to hold yourself accountable for your life
10 Maintenance: Create and stick-to a maintenance plan for all of your future

Towards Action in overcoming and managing co-dependency:

Don’t put if off. Don’t give up.

1 Always expect the best today – always! Don’t expect the worst – ever!

2 Expect miracles today. Expect the good you will get. Make place for it in your life. Celebrate it when it comes to pass.

3 Be one who says “God can do all things. God will do some of His things through me, today.”

4 The secret of victory is patience, action and persistence – every day. Don’t put it off. Don’t give up.

5 Live now. Live constructively today. Do what you can with what you have today. Create a good, balanced day today.

6 Be gracious and dignified at least sometime today.

7 Forgive yourself and another/others today, for today.

8 Refuse to be dominated by fear today. You have been your worst supporter.
Be your own best friend. “GOD has not given (me) the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”
2 Timothy 1:7

Homework Module 2c:

Notice Fat – cut down – especially unhealthy fats
Notice sugar – cut down
No second helpings
Remember and use “Yes please” and “No thank you”
Choose one affirmation you believe, or want to, each day and use it lots
Exercise 10 minutes a day
Walk 10 minutes a day
Pray for yourself and group members

Watch and Educate your Attitude:

Your Attitude at the beginning of any task?
If you think you can, you probably can. If you think you can’t, you’re right.

Your Attitude towards life?
Despite many people’s beliefs, life plays no favourites.

Your Attitude under your own control?
If you are negative, it is because you have allowed yourself to be negative, not because of anyone else or any other circumstance.

Your Attitude when you are doubting?
If your attitude is wilting, act as if you have a good attitude. Actions trigger feelings just as feelings trigger actions.
Before you can achieve the kind of results you want, you have to think, walk, talk, act, conduct yourself as would the person you wish to become.

Your Attitude towards yourself?
Treat yourself as well as you would treat the person you love the most.

Your Attitude towards others?
Treat everybody as valuable and important. Indeed they are if they come into your life.

Your Attitude: Is it based on your assumptions?
Oh, yes it is. In order to change your attitude, change your assumptions to be more positive.

Your Attitude of Success?
Develop more realistic reasons why you will succeed than realistic reasons why you will fail.

Your Attitude when faced with Problems?
Adopt the attitude that you can, and will, solve all problems – on your own, or with help.

Your Attitude in your mind?
You will become what you think about. Control your thoughts and you will control your life.

Your radiated Attitude?
Develop your confidence, well-being, knowing where you have come from, and
where you are going, balance, wisdom and that is what you will radiate.

Your Attitude towards God?
Say “Good morning Lord” not “Good Lord, it’s morning…”


Fortunate is the child who has one better-functioning parent.
More fortunate is the child who has two better-functioning parents!


“Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee and I ordained thee…” Jeremiah 1:5

You are known. You are sanctified. To what were YOU ordained?
THAT’S what you need to discover… Be about your Father’s business…

- Leslie Hand